Bittersweet Mendacity
by Dark Angel Kaos
Summary: Allen could only wallow in despair as Kanda is taken from him. But even if his love is unrequited; he doesn't want to see Kanda hurt. In order to protect Kanda's smile he will keep the horrible truth hidden no matter how much it hurts.


Title: Bittersweet Mendacity

Author: Dark Angel Kaos

Fandom: -Man

Pairings: Cross x Kanda, onesided Allen x Kanda

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: OOC-ness, shounen ai, angst, (be prepared I've messed up both Allen's and Kanda's personality – in a weird way! I just luv messing with those two! They are OOC to the MAX!)

Genre: angst, romance (OMG!)

Disclaimer: I. No. Own!

Summary: Allen could only wallow in despair as Kanda is taken from him. But even if his love is unrequited; he doesn't want to see Kanda hurt. In order to protect Kanda's smile he will keep the horrible truth hidden no matter how much it hurts.

A/N: Ok I felt like writing a really angsty short oneshot so I came up with this! I'm trying out a new writing style. Well it isn't new cuz I started writing in first person before I wrote in third person. The first person POV is kinda necessary for the story. I want to portray Allen's silent suffering. I might incorporate some first person into some of my other fics, but before that review and tell me if the writing style sux or not and I'll just keep on writing in third person. Oh well on with the fic! Muwaaahh! Beta'd by Aritsu Yojichi~! Thanks so much~!

Enjoy!

There were a lot of things that I regretted in my life, but most of all I would always regret never telling Kanda what I felt for him. At first I thought it wasn't necessary to rush, as I believed there would be enough time. 'Today for sure,' I would always say, but I never did confess. It was hard composing what I felt for him in just a few words. The phrase 'I love you' just didn't cut it. I loved Kanda more than life itself. He was the only one I saw and ever saw in this world of darkness. I was always watching him and that was why I was the first to notice.

It wasn't hard to notice that Kanda was interested in someone. He was so easy to figure out. I believe it was back when we regrouped in Japan, after the Earl kidnapped Lenalee and dragged us all into the Ark. I thought I lost him then, but I was relieved when he came back. He looked battered and beaten, but I was thankful that he was alright. We argued as usual and that made me happy. I was prepared to tell him my feelings, but when I saw how his expression changed when he looked at shishou, the words died on my lips. Never in my life had I seen his expression soften like that. When he looked at my shishou, I could tell instantly: Kanda was in love with him.

So I decided to keep my feelings to myself for a little while longer. I didn't know what Kanda saw in my shishou, but I hoped it was a short term thing. Unfortunately, I didn't get my wish. We left to go scope out the Ark and left Krory in Lenalee's care. I tried to make a light conversation with Kanda and failed, but I didn't let that deter me. We started talking about mundane things and unfortunately it lead to talking about my shishou. Lavi made a joke about shishou being a womanizer, which I added that he was and Kanda's face went sour. I wondered if he took shishou's preference into mind when his little crush started. Shishou was a known womanizer and went after women. Kanda – who may be pretty – was still a man and I didn't think my master swung that way. I, for one, didn't care. Kanda could be a man or a woman; I would love him just the same.

After Lavi mentioned the womanizing thing, Kanda got up and reminded us that shishou was alone with a very female Lenalee. We all hurried to Lenalee's aid. Kanda looked sort of panicky, as if he wanted to go but he didn't want to see what was going on behind the closed doors. What we saw broke Kanda's heart.

That happened a few months ago and I thought everything would go back to normal but things got worse, much worse.

I was on my way from the canteen, filled and satisfied, when I saw Kanda. He looked happy – as happy as he could get – and it made me intrigued so I followed him – discretely of course. I figured he must have been really out of it as he didn't notice that I was behind him, he just continued on. When he stopped in front of a closed door, he smiled. I was shocked stiff from the sight of such a beautiful quirk of the lip. That smile was so innocent and pure; it made my heart melt, but when I saw the door open and my shishou standing there the feeling died.

"You came," I heard him say in a purr like voice.

The blush that stained Kanda's cheeks had me frozen on spot.

"I'm honored that you invited me here," Kanda's voice was low and shy.

All the while I kept thinking that it wasn't what I was thought it was. Shishou was a very healthy heterosexual male, and would always stay that way. He would reject Kanda and I would be there to help him back on his feet. But when shishou leaned and he caught my eye, I could tell that shishou knew what I was thinking. He gave me a slight smirk and then kissed Kanda on his lips. My eyes could only widen at what I saw.

From where I stood I could see everything and I bet that was what shishou wanted. Shishou released him after a while and led him into his room. I could only gape as I watched the love of my life walk into the room of my bastard teacher.

~AK~AK~AK~AK~AK~AK~AK~

News of my shishou and Kanda started to spread like wildfire. It was like hot gossip, everyone knew about it. I soon found myself being comforted by almost everyone from the order. They seemed to have known that I had a thing for Kanda. It was a pity, really, that everyone knew but Kanda himself didn't. But I guess that would be my fault, as I never told him. Who would have guessed that my very straight male teacher would take my male love interest before I even confessed? I sure didn't.

"Allen you're here again?"

I turned to the door to see Lavi come in. He had a remorseful look on his usually cheery face and it didn't suit him. I preferred a happy Lavi over a rueful Lavi any day.

"Eh, and I shouldn't be here because?" I asked turning back to the couple I was watching.

I heard Lavi sigh but I didn't turn to acknowledge him this time.

"This is hurting you," he began. "I know how much you loved, and still love, Yuu. But, don't you think you should tell him, it's hurting you both."

I shook my head. "No, I can't," it was true there was no way I would disrupt Kanda's happiness, even if it was a fake one. "It would break him."

"Shit Allen! Yuu isn't that fragile!" Lavi yelled. "I would tell him myself but you're so dead set on keeping it a secret. You say you love him, how can you let that farce go on? General Cross doesn't like him!"

I knew that, my shishou didn't like Kanda. Hell he still fucked other women while he was with him. The only reason he was with Kanda was so that I couldn't have him. Yeah, he was evil like that. When shishou found out that I loved Kanda he got a kick out of teasing me. But when he found out that Kanda liked him he took the teasing a bit higher, by claiming Kanda as his. The only reason I never stopped it was because of the look of pure bliss that Kanda had on his face. He was genuinely happy that my shishou returned his feelings.

We live in a world tainted in darkness and one must have a light to remain sane. Kanda was, and still is, my light but, to him, my shishou was his. He was happy with my master and that was all that mattered. If Kanda was happy then I was too.

"He doesn't need to know that," my eyes locked on the pouting samurai below. "I will protect his happiness, even if it is fake. I won't do anything to hinder his smile."

I felt Lavi's hand on my shoulder but I still didn't turn to face him. It was easy to tell what look he would have on his face but I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to be pitied. There were numerous opportunities for me to tell Kanda about my feelings for him, but I blew them all.

"You deserve him more than General Cross," Lavi replied finally. "Maybe things would have been different if you had confessed."

This time I turned to face him. I gave him a small smile and shrugged. "Who knows?"

"Yeah, who knows," he gave me a small smile of his own and turned to leave. "I have to finish reading up on some things," he said once he was at the door. "If you need me, you know where to find me."

I nodded and turned back to the window, just in time to see Kanda and shishou turn to head inside. Shishou had just gotten back and Kanda was out there to greet him. It made my heart ache watching Kanda look at ease with a man other than me – not that he was at ease with me in the first place. I was beyond jealous but I would keep it in to protect his happiness.

Shishou looked up and saw me. He was more conscious of me watching them than Kanda. Most of the time, he would touch Kanda just to piss me off. Like what he was doing now. He leaned in and gave Kanda a little peck on the lips and then wrapped his hands around his shoulders. Kanda blushed a very nice cherry colour and it increased when shishou leaned in to whisper something in his ear. I gritted my teeth and watched the exchange taking place. They were almost from sight when I saw Kanda's mouth moved. The three words he said shattered my already broken heart to pieces. I watched until they disappeared from view. Tears streaked down my face and I took a few breaths to calm myself and wiped my tears.

I pushed myself off the wall and headed downstairs to greet my shishou. He seemed lively, just what I expected from a man who spent the whole night in a brothel. Kanda was on his arm as usual, looking flushed. I gave him my usual greeting and smiled. He excused himself taking Kanda with him towards his room. I knew what would happen once they reached there and I couldn't help the sick feeling from forming in my gut. 'As long as Kanda is happy,' I told myself while I slowly died inside.

~AK~AK~AK~AK~AK~AK~AK~

**The End**

A/N: okies, so it was short. Ahh I couldn't help it! I kinda wrote it yesterday…no seriously it was on my mind and I had to get it off! Oh there is a sequel to it, yup another oneshot! This one is almost like this one but I'm wondering if I should turn it back to third person pov cause after writing this in first person pov I realized that I missed third person pov! Yeah yeah I know, I'm so weird! Okies then, thank you all for reading and until next time! Don't forget to tell me what you thought of it! R&R onegai *wink*!

Ja na

Kaos


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